Promise Made, Promise Kept

Last year we had a death in the family.  It was one of those, Holy Shit whaaa?, kind of deaths. A car accident.  A, didn't see it coming kind of things.  A "are you kidding me, universe" kind of deaths.  In many ways I haven't dealt with it.  It's one of those ones that wasn't supposed to happen.  A mid forties father of three not supposed to happen.  A son, brother, father, cousin, family member kind of death that was not supposed to be.

My cousin was the older brother I never had.  I grew up with an older and a younger sister, so it was a special treat when I got to hang out with my cousins, who were all boys.  My mom's side of the family is very close, and me and my cousins were very close.  If we had to pick teams, he always picked me.  And that made me feel special.  I was cool in his eyes, and that was all that mattered to me because I looked up to him.

Years later, as we all grew up and went our different ways, we still kept in touch. Sure, we might have not been as tight as we used to be, but we could always pick up where we left off.  We got married.  We had families.  We had responsibilities.  Phone calls became farther apart. Through crappy circumstances, my cousin moved to my city.  Kind of looking for a fresh start.  Not only a place where I lived, but a city his brother had moved to a few years prior.  A built in support system.  We got him on his feet as he started over.  And he excelled.  Working whatever job he had to as he went back to school.  We got to hang out, but as with everyone, lives happen.  We had a kid.  His kids were becoming teenagers, one who lived with him, and he had a new bright fulfilling relationship.  We hung out less and less as we let our daily grind become excuses.  We lived in the same city, but saw each other less than when we lived hundreds of miles apart.

Because in the back of your mind you think that they will always be there.  Once I take care of this, this, and this, we will have more time to hang out.  We talked a lot about music, both being card carrying metal heads.  We talked about art and art techniques, both being artists.  And we took it for granted thinking we would always be there.

And then he's not.  You get that phone call from a family member.  The one you don't want to believe.  The one your brain can't process.  An instant hole in your soul that can never be filled.

It was a brutal funeral.  Only made better by my close knit family.  I hadn't seen his kids in years and now they were all grown up.  I felt guilty for not knowing them better.  For not being there when it was his weekends to have them.  As I said, sometimes life gets in the way.  Sometimes reality sucks.

We found out that his oldest son's first concert was him and his dad at Motley Crue.  Well, at that time, we found out that the Crue was on their farewell tour.  So right there, at the funeral, my wife used her phone to purchase tickets to the concert for us and the boys.  A kind of, "He would have wanted this" kind of gesture.  A promise made.  A promise to be a part of their lives.  A promise to make memories with them.  A promise to do things with them that he would have done with them.

Sometimes during events like funerals, you say things like, "we need to keep in better touch" that never materialize despite the good intentions.  It's good for a couple of months and then the grind of daily life gets in the way.  You don't mean for it to happen, it just does.  Gradually over time, things of import just end up shifting to the back of your brain.  But this was one promise I would not let go to the wayside.

So yesterday, on the Fourth of July, my wife and I took my cousin's boys to Motley Crue.  The promise of six months before was a reality.  And we had a blast.  We got to connect.  We got to share a common bond that involved their father's memory.  We kept our promise.  Our promise to make memories.  Our promise to get to know them as young men.  Our promise to help guide them in an uncertain future.  Our promise on their father's memory that they always had someone there for them, through good and bad.

We made memories on that day that I think will last a lifetime.  There was just an unspoken "thing" about that night.  We all knew what it was, but we just let it be.  No need to over analyze it.  We knew, and that's all that matters.

There's no special message in this blog.  No, "cherish what you have" kind of thing.  I just wanted something down for posterity.  I miss my cousin dearly and just want to do right by his kids.  I just want him to look down and say, "Thanks. That was fucking cool."

You Put the Twit in Twitter

Ahhh, social media. It allows us to connect with people all over the world. Unfortunately, many fail to make actual connections.  I have long lamented the fake persona of oneself on the internet. Rarely do you find the 'what you see is what you get' kind of person.  You run into many Jekyll and Hyde scenarios when you meet an internet acquaintance in real life.  The hyper-realized persona that one adopts online is more often a let down when compared to the actual in-person persona.  Following is just a sample of some of the weirdness I notice on Twitter.

The chronic retweeter.  This is especially bad in the sports world.  You do not need to retweet every tweet from a teams official account. Example: I'm watching the game and the team I cheer for gets a first down. The official account tweets about it. Immediately we are bombarded by countless dorks retweeting that. A) You probably follow many of the same people of that given fan base, so they already got that tweet, or were actually watching said game and had that information first hand. B) You are not part of that team's social media program. You are not their employee.  You are a fucking parrot regurgitating information that is not only useless to the entire population of the planet, but it just fucking happened and we all saw it. And your excuse of, "Well, my friend wanted me to update him because he can't watch the game." Bullshit. That's the best way for your friend to get this info? If your friend can check Facebook and Twitter, then they can find an app or website to get the information in pretty much real time.

The above isn't just for the sportos. This applies to the disaster junkies as well. You do not need to tweet every news clip you find of an ongoing natural disaster.  The AP isn't going through your time line to make sure they are on top of things. I will let you in on a little secret. YOU ARE NOT MY FUCKING NEWS SOURCE. Thank you for letting me know that you are the most disaster aware person in the history of mankind, but what I want to know is what can be done to help.  Find and tweet the links of where people can go to volunteer or donate. That kind of thing really does help. What doesn't help is you trying to show the world how empathetic you are.  Subtract the em from the 12th word in that previous sentence to reveal your true self.

Captain Politics.  This is probably worse on Facebook rather than Twitter mostly because you just 'liked' something that I absolutely loathe, which in turn just lowered my already-at-sea-level opinion of you.  Thanks for clogging my timeline with a billion re-postings of political articles. This does not make you political. This does not make you the most informed judging from some of the dubious source material. This makes you the all-time world champ at copying and pasting links. Good for you. Due to there only being two major political parties, you would think that you are basically only pissing of 50 percent of the people who follow or have friended you. Wrong. 100 percent of the people think that you are an asshole with too much time on your hands.  And I'm not talking about people who are passionate about certain issues.  This is for the people that just don't seem to have a filter and feel the need to poop out as much information as humanly possible.

Trolls.  Everyone knows who they are. Trolls know that they themselves are trolls.  Everyone hates trolls. Even trolls hate other trolls.  Which makes me question, "how the fuck do they even exist?" It's a goddamn paradox.  Trolls only exist on the internet because if more than one troll happened to be in the same vicinity as another in real life, it would most likely tear a hole in the space/time continuum.  Another reason that you can never identify a troll in real life is because they are cowards.  There is one rule I try to apply to myself wherever I may be on the internet, "Never type something that you wouldn't say to someone's face".  I've met people in real life that act all hard-ass on the internet, who face to face, turn out to be exactly what I thought, a gutless turd.  If being shitty to someone on purpose is your only goal in life, then stay off of the internet.  Just take that out on your own family.  And if that's how you get your rocks off, your only source of happiness, then you are a sad, sad, little person.  Remember, bullies usually get the shit kicked out of them at one point or another.  I'm not advocating violence, but I will endorse someone stomping a bullies ass into a mudhole.

These are some other random annoyances.

Hipster douchebags that shit all over what everybody else likes, be it whatever media, music, movies, books, tv or the like. Oddly, these wastes of space never let anybody in on what they like. Hmmm. I wonder why that is?  Could it be that you like just the same amount of stupid shit as the rest of us? Yeah. That's what I thought.

Begging celebrities for a retweet. @whoeverfamous "Can I get a retweet?" Let me get this straight. You are asking someone to retweet 'can I get a retweet'?  You are one profound motherfucker.  You can now go furiously masturbate over the screen capture you took on you smartphone because someone famous hit the retweet button as they rolled their eyes.

Begging for followers. That is probably the saddest thing in the digital age.

The use of the word 'welp'. It is especially creepy coming from a grown man.  Did you mean whelp, as in that's one word to describe you?

Who's got something, something and two thumbs? This guy.  Do the world a favor and insert both thumbs in each end of a razor blade Chinese finger trap.  At least it will stop you from typing on your phone.

"This is some kind of ironic fake quote"-said no one.  That was amusing until it became completely overplayed.

Tweeting every minute detail of your life. Nobody cares. Goody fucking gumdrops, I now know when some random asshole is sleeping, walking, working, eating, shitting, fucking, crying, or whatever. You just ate at McDonald's. Well holy shit, let's call CNN. You just ate the 245 billionth and one hamburger.  We are not waiting here with bated breath to find out about your purchase of toilet bowl cleaner and a box of mac and cheese.

Those inspirational quotes written over a flowery picture. Not just one, but about a jillion in a row. Unacceptable. Unless it is a picture of a kitty dangling from a tree branch by it's front paws with the words 'Hang in there!' written in large bubble letters, because that's all I'm trying to do man.

You spoiler fucks.  You just got done watching your favorite show. So what do you do? You track-star run to the internet to post, "I can't believe they killed so-and-so".  Really?  I can't believe nobody has killed you yet you fucking blabbermouth.  There is absolutely no rational reason for you to do this, especially in the age of the DVR.  What empty hole in your soul do you think you are filling by doing this?  And don't you dare tell me to abstain from using the internet because you felt like screaming "OMG DARTH VADER IS LUKE'S FATHER".  You might as well go around to all of the kindergarten classes in your area and inform them that there is no such thing as Santa you dumbass.  I probably should have begun this paragraph with: WARNING-STAR WARS AND CHRISTMAS SPOILERS.

Follow. Unfollow. Follow. Unfollow. Follow. Unfollow. Geeze, fucking get over yourself.  This goes hand in hand with people threatening to unfollow for whatever slight.  Oh, darn. The crybaby unfollowed me. However will I go on with my life? Easy. Laugh and refresh.

Unnecessary emoticons.  If you don't wink after everything you say in real life, why do it after every tweet? I really don't get the heart one. You know, the less than 3 dealy. I am not going to write it out because Blogger thinks I am trying to reprogram my computer and create some kind of A.I. I can't even talk about it now. It is just another thing to make people think they are clever. About as clever as a third grader writing boobless on his upside down calculator.

Writing haha after everything, and oddly after things that are not funny. I have to drive to the store, haha. You are a lunatic.  Just as before, if you don't really laugh after everything in real life, why after every tweet. It's just plain weird.  If people talked like they tweeted, there is a good chance that 80 percent of the population would be locked away in a institution of some sort.

So in summation, I believe the internet is a horrible, horrible place. No I don't.  I've made friends on the internet that I will talk to until the day I die.  I love the insane people who travel down the youtube rabbit hole to post some absolute gems.  I will read every single one of the old-timey e-cards that people post.  I will look at every new picture that you posted of your trip to the zoo.  I will never judge you as you check into Starbucks for the 119th on Foursquare. I like wishing happy birthday to someone I haven't talked to in 15 years. I will give you a (((hug))) when you are having a shitty day. (That always looks like sound waves coming off of the word hug so I always think of it as a gong hug.) I like being included in a mass invite to an event that you know that I can't attend.  What I'm trying to say is I totally heart each and every on of you. Haha.

Why You Gotta Hate?

What is going on with all of this hate towards women? Whether it be exclusion, or passing laws telling how and what a woman can do with her own body, shit will reach a tipping point that fucks it up for the rest of us males that love females.

Here are some simple little things to consider when you feel like oppressing women.

Quit using the bible as an excuse to spray forth your hateful diarrhea across the land. You want to follow the bible? Fine and dandy with me. You want to go to church? That is also fine. You want to use your religious beliefs to oppress or control any other member of society? Now I've got beef with you. Quit with the cop out, "Well, in the bible it says." Yeah, so what? The bible says a lot of crazy shit. Do you follow all of it? I didn't think so. Why do you give one single fuck about what somebody else does in the privacy of their own home? If it has zero effect on your life, why should you care? You shouldn't. Go do some good in the world. Quit wasting time and energy on what someone does with their body.  It's not for you to decide. Like the big buzzword, 'abortion'. As a male, I do not get a say in what some random woman that I do not even know, does with her body. That's her decision. I don't have to live with that decision, she does. I don't know her situation.  And this whole thing about passing laws to make a woman carry a pregnancy to term after being raped....are you fucking insane? That is probably the stupidest thing you can think of. So you are telling me that you are going to force somebody to have a child that would be a constant reminder of the worst day of her life? Yeah, that makes sense you uncompassionate fucks. What if I learned how to successfully graft a living puppy to the side of your head? So one day I beat the shit out of you into a state of unconsciousness, and perform this miracle. But you have to live with this because the law says so. You must raise and care for your new side-head puppy. Oh, and it's not a chihuahua, it's a rottweiler. Have fun, dipshit. Does that sound extreme to you? That's what these laws you freaks come up with that impose your will on the female body sound like to the rest of the rational world. Quit bypassing common sense people. And like Bill Hicks said, "You're not a person until you are in my phonebook".

Did everyone see this? http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/highschool-prep-rally/lady-sorrows-ariz-baseball-team-forfeits-state-title-041333504.html Not only is your excuse bullshit, but cowardly as well. You want to teach your boys inequality within the confines of your school, go ahead. But once you step outside the boundaries of your institution, you have to deal with society. Good job fellas. The people that made this decision robbed both teams the chance to play for a state championship. The culmination of their sporting lives up to this point in their lives is now tarnished. What lesson was taught here? That your team wasn't good enough to compete? Were you afraid that if you lost that you would have to explain to the team that women are equals, shattering your illusion that women should be barefoot and pregnant in your kitchen? The people that made this decision were a bunch of chickenshits. Have fun explaining to society how you taught inequality, thereby creating a bunch of sexual assualtists because you couldn't teach them how to interact with females.

If you have a sister/mother/wife/daughter/girlfriend, how do you morally support the shit that has been   happening lately? I want you to seriously answer that outside the myopic confines of your beliefs and so-called morals. Since everyone has different beliefs and a different moral code, these must be excluded when proposing new rules and regulations. And if you can't do that, well, I guess you are just a turd of a human being.  Also keep in mind that women outnumber men, women outlive men, and vibrators are fairly inexpensive. So if you keep fucking this up we will all end up in cages in a Planet of the Apes like society.

And while you're busy hating women, it's so fucking nice to see you still hating gays, you sanctimonious fucks.  Seriously, you're making gay marriage an issue? Take the bible out of the equation, and gay marriage has absolutely zero relevance in your life. If you are not of the religious persuasion, it still has zero relevance in your life.  And quit this bullshit about ruining the sanctity of marriage. You know what ruins the sanctity of marriage, fucking divorce you morons. Quit making up insane rules that fuck with someone else's chance for happiness. Seriously, what gives you the right to do such a thing. When are you going get it through you thick caveman skulls that homosexuality is not a choice? Quit pretending it's a disease. Gay is gay because it just is. Plain and simple. As a straight, married male, you know what I'm going to do when gay marriage is finally legal as it should be? I'm going to start a gay marriage wedding planning service. Above and beyond the normal wedding services, I will also provide an anti-picketing brigade who will make your life a living hell if should even dare try to ruin the celebration. You dumb fucking picketers need to get a life. Every ounce of energy you exert in forcing your evil bile upon others could be spent doing, oh, I don't know......something productive for society.

So in short, take your inane bumper sticker politics, your horseshit rules and laws that only oppress, and stick them up your ass. You want to segregate these people who don't share your beliefs? Well, fuck you. You are shitty humans and offer nothing to the betterment of society. We were here first. You can gather up 'your kind' and fuck off to asshole island. And if not, we use your tactics and pick and choose what we will from the bible. Eye for an eye, assholes, eye for an eye.

You Must Work at Candyland

I've seen a new phrase thrown around this year that leaves me scratching my head. I don't know if it is because everyone on the internet works at the perfect utopian place of business. Or you have only had one supervisor and that person had angel wings and an S on their chest, but every time I hear or see the phrase, 'Like a Boss', I instantly think, "Oh, you mean like an asshole."

Sure, I've had some decent bosses in the past, but they've never done anything that makes me think, "That dude shits glitter." So when I see the phrase 'Like a Boss' attached to an individual's sports accomplishment, do you mean:

They took credit for something they didn't do?

They came and went as they pleased, didn't actually work 40 hours, but still managed to get paid for some mysterious overtime?

They made up some bullshit work to do so they could avoid actual work?

They got yelled at by their boss and instead of bucking up and taking responsibility, they take out their frustrations on their staff?

They constantly pass the buck?

Instead of actually learning all of their job duties, they sneakily get others to do their work for them?

That's what I think of when people say, "Like a Boss". I think that the player must have done something shitty or failed miserably. "Hey, did you see the Sharks game last night? Thornton dives like a boss." I feel that that statement made a much more appropriate use of the phrase. Favre pic texted his cock like a boss. When a player holds out for more money, they are totally like a boss. When they say they won't play for a certain city, they say it like a boss. Lebron played all of the 4th quarters like a boss.

Like a Boss will never mean something good for me. It's also kind of generic. There are different levels of boss. Are we talking middle management like a boss, or is this supposed to be CEO or owner level like a boss? I think we should just drop this whole Like a Boss catch phrase and move on to the next flash in the pan bumper sticker phrase.

By the way, did you guys see Tim Thomas' performance in the Stanley Cup Finals? That dude totally shits glitter.

This Space For Rent

Is society still going to keep arguing over this topic? I, myself, just did it right there. What are you talking about you ask? What? You didn't see that? These huge fucking double spaces between my sentences. Holy shit I think the world might end.

First things first. I was pointed in the direction of an article written by someone named Manjoo. I'm sorry, but I have a hard time taking advice from a dude who's name sounds like Manjuice. So Cocksauce wants to berate two spacers for daring to sully the print and interweb arena with our sinfully egregious use of two spaces. He even goes into the mind-blowingly awesome history of typography. Are you fucking serious Mr. Dickdrizzle? I don't give a shit if you found out that ancient Egyptians used single spacing between their hieroglyphs. You might just find this if you dig hard enough; moonwalking stork, period, SPACE, SPACE, crocodile playing poker. He goes on to show that the spacing rule has changed throughout history. So guess what Penisanaise, maybe we are seeing another shift in the spacing way of life? Since it has never been concrete, who's to say that this isn't what is happening. And just because Joe Blow's Book of Stylish Punctuation says so, that doesn't make it fucking so.

If somebody shot you once in the head you would have one space. If somebody shot you twice in the head you would have two spaces. You would still be fucking dead Weinercondiments. (I'm sorry, I ran out.)

Can't we as a society agree that this is a personal preference issue? Many of us were taught to type this way. Some people find it aesthetically pleasing. Oh, and another thing Manjoo, the amount of space you complained about wasting with double spaces is the same amount of space you wasted with your stupid fucking article. But you also wasted our time. Your next article should be The Benefits of Fucking a Light Socket. Make sure your research is as thorough as it was with typography. This means trying it with the switch in both positions.

If the difference between a single space and a double space is so glaringly offensive to your eyeballs, just poke them out and learn braille. Happy now? If not, I write this last paragraph in the hopes that your head will explode. How am I to achieve this? Easy. This last passage is triple spaced bitches.

Excuses, Excuses

OK. This might not be popular with at least half of the Wings fan base, but I really have to get these Osgood thoughts down. The arguing on Twitter doesn't need to stop. But it does need to be kept in perspective. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, just remember that an opinion is not a fact. Oh, and one other thing before I continue: Nobody is a bigger fan than somebody else. You are not the fanniest fan in fandom. Here is a statement that makes you look like a totally retarded jackass, "I guess I'm just a bigger/better fan than you are." Oh, and just because you have liked a team longer it doesn't give you the right to be the mayor of Doucheville. It's not a seniority contest.

Now on to the whole Osgood thing that seems to be ripping our souls apart.

Last night's game showed us a couple of things. Osgood still does not have his head on and it probably won't happen this season. And 2, the defense plays a totally different game from a hole in front of Osgood. Now before someone jumps up and shouts that I am saying the team plays like shit in front of Osgood on purpose, that's not what I said. I think that the Osgood softies are in the back of everyone's mind and the D is getting caught out of position because they are pinched in a little too much or putting themselves in an odd position trying to keep it in at the blueline.

Here is something else that is missing. Rafalski's breakout passes. I'm sorry but I just don't think that the other D, with the exception of Lidstrom, can break it out as cleanly. They should take the Kindl route. Yes he has made some mistakes, but I be digging his breakouts. Instead of trying to make a bajillion mile breakout pass from the half boards, he's carrying the puck out of his own zone and doesn't think about passing until he's past his own blueline. That's a good way of cutting down your turnovers at the blueline.

All right, let's get down to brass tacks here.

All through the off season up until this very moment there has been a debate raging. It has gotten more heated than East coast rap VS. West coast rap. It has more nerdly stats and obscure factoids than Trekkies VS. Star Warsians. (I don't know what Star Wars people call themselves.)

OSGOOD.

Here is an argument that I just do not agree with. "Your back-up goaltender just needs to be serviceable enough to give the starter a break." That's so wrong it can't get no wronger. The back-up should be this hungry caged animal that wants his shot at number one. He should come in and steal the show. He has to be able to step in and carry games if the starter goes down. I want to say, "Holy shit, who the fuck is this guy." The back-up should be like when you put your hand in a pocket of a coat that you haven't worn in awhile and find a twenty dollar bill. It shouldn't be like putting your hand in and finding that a pen exploded leaving you with a big mess. If you order a steak at a fancy restaurant, you don't settle for a bologna sandwich because the back-up chef is having an off night, or hasn't cooked in awhile.

How about this one. "The offense needs to score more than a couple of goals to give your goalie a chance." Well if the goalie is doing his job technically the offense only needs to score one goal. In reality that is not going to happen. Plus I for one want curly fries and fucking beat downs. But the fact is that they are playing professional teams that have defenses and goaltenders as well. It's in the tight low scoring affairs that the goalie has to shine. If the goalie shits the bed in the first period, the game is totally different. It's easy to say, "Come on guys, you have to score 3 or 4 goals now." It's not that simple though. The opposition now gets to play shut down or prevent defense. Clog up the neutral zone. And now you have to take more chances which leads to more mistakes.

Stats be damned. Anybody can skew the stats to work in their favor. Technically I am a .500 goaltender with a 0.00 goals against average. See how I did that? Forget the fact that I never goaltended a game in my life. All of your past stats don't mean shit if you can't win now. Every positive stat from a long career can be countered by a negative stat from a player on the decline from the last couple of years.

This is not fueled by hatred for Osgood. Personally I want to see him get his 400. But I can't make that happen and neither can any of you. Only Osgood can. Throw away every argument ever committed to the digital annals of the interwebs, for or against, and it boils down to this. Osgood, step the fuck up and take those games son. I don't care if the Mighty Ducks are playing in front of you, (the team at the beginning of movie, not the polished group of ragtag losers we see at the end.) No more excuses. Slam that door shut. But if you don't want to do that then don't waste any more game time and let somebody in who is not content with charting face-offs.

Make Room on your Mantel Jimmah

Last year the Calder went to Steve Mason of the Blue Jackets. His stats were as follows: Wins-33, Losses-20, Goals against average-2.29, Save percentage-.916, and Shutouts-10. Those are very nice stats for a rookie goaltender. With 7 games left to go for the Red Wings, Jimmy Howard's stats are as follows: Wins-32, Losses-15, GAA-2.24, SV%-.926, and Shutouts-2. He should pass Mason's win totals. He will have less losses than Mason. His GAA and SV% should remain better as well. The only statistical category Mason has over Howard is shutouts. Big Whoop-de-doo.

People are saying he should be up for the Vezina, which would be cool, but after Ryan Miller's year with the Sabres and his outstanding Olympic performance he is probably a shoe-in.

The other award that Howard has to be seriously considered for is the Hart. If he is nominated, here is why he would have an above average chance. 1. I don't think the Wings would have had as good of a chance of making the playoffs without him in net. I know they are technically not for sure in yet, but I have faith. Just as much faith that Bertuzzi will perform a no-look-spin-o-rama-pass to no one in particular in each of the last seven games. Let's face it, Jimmy kept them in games when their offense was sputtering. Not only kept them in, but won those games.

I also think that the top offensive players will cancel each other out. If you take Ovechkin out of the line up, they still had performers. Without him they wouldn't have done as well, but they still would have made the playoffs, 'cause hey, it's the Leastern. Same with Sedin, Crosby, and Marleau. Most of these players play with others on their teams that make them look as good as they do statistically. There have been parts of this season that rested on Jimmy's shoulders. The same as Kopitar for LA and Bryzgalov for Phoenix.

You never know which way the NHL will go with these awards. If it were up to Bettmen, Crosby would win them all including the Vezina. But if Jimmah rocks it out these last seven games he can have Osgood as his +1 at the banquet to help him carry his awards home.

Zachy love Wingys

I am a Red Wings fan. I bleed red. That's funny because we all do. Plus it annoys me when fans say things like that. I'm a huge fan of (insert team here) and I bleed (insert team color here). What? Are you a fan or a fucking alien?

This will be a little like a state of the season address. This has been a rough season so far and I am hoping they can make a little push here before the Olympic break. I will get back to the Olympics a little later. I am in the camp of Ozzy is no longer our #1. Here's why. He is still mentally off. Yes he popped the clutch in the playoffs, but those are not the only games you play. There are still these ones called 'regular season games'. Games that the Wings desperately need right now. Goalies are the easiest to pick on since they are the last line of defense. And we can quibble about good goals and bad goals, soft goals and deflections, but the fact of the matter is that you have to play out of your mind sometimes. You need to be Beyond Thunderdome. Make those awesome saves that are a symbolic middle finger to your detractors and the rest of the NHL.

I am not sold on Jonathan Ericsson. I have heard the nickname Big Rig bandied about. Yeah, a big rig being driven by a little old lady down the freeway at 35 mph with her blinker on. I call him Palmolive. For his big soft hands in the wrong situations. Another puck given up at the circle? Oh Jonny, you're soaking in it. And then sometimes he is like Lenny from Of Mice and Men when he accidentally strokes the puck too hard and kills it for an icing. The thing is even though I say these things I do see the unlimited potential. Oh, and one more thing Jonny, FUCKING HIT SOMEBODY! You need to knock the shit out of them, not practice frotteurism.

Ville Leino, don't make me sic the Finnish Mafia on you. The Finn in me wants you to be a superstar, so quit taking your sweet ass time to get there. Especially after making your demands, because right now you should be the Griffins jock washer.

So far this season the thing that makes my heart happiest is Kung Fu Hustle. That is the Draper, Helm, and Eaves line. Draper looks like he's about 5 years younger playing with those boys. The speed of that line creates great opportunities in all aspects of the game.

Abdelkader hasn't done anything special lately, but I think his role has changed and I like what he does on the ice. So Williams, you better do something special since Abs of Steel was sent back down for you. Or I find you and break another bone so the lines can be set again.

I know some of the vets are having off years but I am not worried about that. What I think has really hurt this year is obviously the injuries and the impact that has had with the inconsistency of the lines. As soon as a line clicks, someone gets injured or someone gets healthy and the lines get rearranged. And that has impacted missed assignments in the defensive zone.

I may be a ritard and talking out of my ass but if we can at least make the playoffs and keep that streak alive I am o.k. with that. When life gives you lemons, squeeze those lemons into a glass of vodka and get drunk during the game. It works for me.

My wife and I have met a lot of Wings fans internetally this past year and they have been really cool. You want to know how cool. This cool. herm2hockeytown.com/ Go to that site and do the right thing. (Sadly, only 2 people will go there because I only have 3 readers and one of them is my wife).

This has gotten quite long enough so I will save my rant about pros in the Olympics for another time.

Not Hot or Even a Topic

Recently we had to go to the mall to get an item we couldn't go elsewhere to get. So while we were there, we tooled around a bit, checking out all of the shizzle. Nothing special because remember, we were at the mall. First things first. I have figured out who this new centuries carnies are. Kiosk workers. When malls first started having kiosks, there were only a few sprinkled throughout the mall hallways. Now it is so congested it's like a giant game of human bumper pool. And these kiosk workers are relentless. They get right in your face hawking their wares. When you see me walking through a mall, I am walking with purpose. You are lucky you don't get hip checked into your stand of shitty slice of agate knick-knacks. I don't want your fucking hair extensions. I don't want 70 dollar moccasins. I don't care if they were hand crafted by twenty Inuit virgins. If you leave me alone you have a zero percent chance of having to go to the emergency room to have a reindeer wearing a Packer jersey christmas tree ornament removed from your rectum.

Here is the second thing. Apparently the new teenage girl fashion trend is 80's hooker with a touch of grunge. Giant sheepskin moon boot looking thingys with tucked in skin jeans is not a look, it's an accident. You look like five year olds put your outfits together. Just pick one look and go with it.

Here is the main reason for today's blog. Hot Topic is so lame. Or is it the Edward Cullen store? I couldn't tell since a third of your merchandise is dedicated to Twilight. You are so mall metal. Wait, you're not even that cool anymore. My wife bought an Angel t-shirt and the cashier said, "Well this obviously isn't for you." What the fuck. First my wife looks ten years younger than you. You look like some middle-aged soccer mom who had been rufied, and some brain damaged goth kids tried to dress you. All of the items you sell are unapologetically stolen from my childhood years. The kids who are your major target audience don't even know anything about the stuff you're selling. I've seen every episode three times over of Masters of the Universe. They don't remember the episode where Skeletor called Evil-lynn a boob. Greatest cartoon moment ever. That makes me more deserving of wearing a Beast-Man t-shirt. I'm the one who played endless hours of Mario Bros. We had to because you couldn't save games back then. So I get to wear the t-shirt with the one up mushroom on it. Oh and hey, girl wearing the faerie wings and the roller brush applied make-up, that's not even a good look for a clown. You guys try so hard you end up looking pathetic. Your wildest night out is called Tuesday in the MacRostie household. Hell, a night of us watching a Red Wings game has more passion, alcohol, and swearing than your best night out. You work for a corporation numbnuts. Whoop-de-doo. You are so hip. So zip it Hot Pockets employee. You have nothing worthwhile to add to this transaction. We already feel like dirty whores for stepping foot in your pathetic store, so just ring us up and shut your hole.

Strike a Pose

The other day my wife and I caught bits and pieces of a documentary about punk rock. She was on the computer, and only half paying attention. She is old school punk rock and I am metal. The more I watched the more irritated I got. And this is why. The majority of those interviewed were a bunch of fucking poseurs. The more you go out of your way to explain why you are punk rock makes you less punk rock. When you over conform to fit in with your clique of non-conformists makes you less punk rock. You all look the same. You now belong to the TTH club. What's that you ask? Well, it stands for Try Too Hard. You see these people at concerts of every genre of music.

I would have no problem with these people if they would just be themselves. I want to hang with genuine people. I don't want to have to tear down the facade just to find that you are an insecure asshat who practices the art of douchebaggery.

The documentary showed these bands playing at houses with crowds of twenty or so people. I don't even know if that even constitutes a crowd. Anyway, that's fine for a band that is just starting out. Not for bands that have been together for five years. There is a difference between not giving a fuck about being famous and the whole do-it-yourself punk mythos, and just plain sucking and using those excuses as a badge of honor.

These attitudes, and the whole 'punk is an attitude' is another story, is not exclusive to punk rock. The music I love, metal, is just as bad if not worse. There is no such thing as 'more metal than you'. The bands you listen to are not heavier, or darker, or more evil, than the next guy's favorite bands. Because all of that shit is subjective and based on one's own opinions.

You know who is more metal and punk rock than most of the bands that claim they are? The rapper Tech N9ne. When he says fuck the industry what does he do? He starts his own music label and releases his own shit. He exudes all of the 'punk rock attitude' and all of the fuck you I'm badass of metal without ever claiming to do so. And that brings me to another point.

You cannot claim these titles. They are bestowed upon you. Once you claim these titles you lose your cred. The most punk don't claim punk, they ARE punk. The most metal don't claim metal, they ARE metal. Indie, alternative, gangsta, country, etc. etc.

The same kind of philosophy can be applied to sports fans. You are not a bigger fan of a team than the next guy. There is a fine line between fan and fanaticism. You are not viewed as a super awesome fan of your team, you are considered an obsessed weirdo. You might as well move into a four hundred square foot efficiency and get ten cats to go along with your crazy.

So love your music and remember that the more you go out of your way to look or act the part, you no longer seem like a real person. You are now a stereotype. You are a caricature. And people see right through that.

I Don't Care

The Yankees won the world series. All Yankees fans cheered at that last sentence. The rest of the world doesn't give a fuck. We all really don't care. You are not even a fun team to hate anymore. You treat the rest of the baseball world like they are your farm team. As soon as someone on any other team shows promise, you over pay them so nobody else can have them. Even when you purchase a superstar player and they shit the bed, who cares, you will just go out and buy three more. So goody-fucking-gumdrops, you just bought a world series. Way to cement your super awesome legacy.

As only a casual baseball fan, why should I care about baseball? When the playoffs are chock full of teams with the highest payrolls, why should I even tune in for that? Pretty soon there will not be any underdog stories in baseball. It will just be the same all-star teams competing each year. Whoop-de-doo.

Well some people may argue, "If that was the case they would win it every year." And I would say, "Fuck you numbnuts, you are a ignorant, slackjawed, jizzmop who doesn't even deserve to breathe the same air as me." Then I would slap them with a ham, knocking them down a flight of stairs. Then I would slowly descend the stairs and sit on the step above the landing where they were laying there twitching, bleeding profusely and pissing themselves at the mere sound of my voice. And I would tell them that just because you buy the best team in baseball it won't account for injuries, or steroid suspensions (gee I wonder who I could be talking about there) or other teams' players having awesome years because they are in contract years. Then I would fart in their face and walk away. I can not tame my juvenile side.

So enough already. Get a fucking salary cap. You are are not creating any cool teams to hate. You are just creating Snidley Whiplashian villians we mildly pity or could care less about. There, I just finished my 27th award winning blog.

I vote Favre King of The Universe

I am not a Packers fan. I am not a Vikings fan. Unfortunately I have to admit out loud that I am a Lions fan. My wife is a Green Bay Packer fan. And my 3 year old is a Green Bean Packer fan. (Don't ask me, that's what he calls them). They are not the fans I will be talking about. I was just going to let this go. But after what I keep seeing and hearing I guess I will have to throw my two cents. And since I am throwing cents around willy-nilly, I will throw in some common sense.

All of you Favre hating Packer fans are a bunch of stupid motherfuckers. I am sick and tired of hearing about how much you hate Favre. About how he betrayed you. About him being a traitor. You sound like a 4 year old throwing a tantrum. First things first. Ted Thompson created this situation. I'm not saying Favre is innocent in the whole thing. Should he have stayed retired? Well obviously not from the way he is playing. I hope you never have to make the decision to quit doing something you love. And if you do decide to return, I hope you are welcomed back. Here is the second thing. This is pro sports. Players come and go all of the time in this day and age. Favre gives you 16 great years and this is how you treat him? That behavior is fucking disgusting. Hey, it's fine. You love your team. But don't lose sight that these guys make millions of dollars to play a game. You make a couple of hundered at your shitty job. This next statement goes out to all of you superfans of whatever sport you enjoy. You are not a member of the organization. If you drop dead right now they are not going give one single fuck about you. Your favorite player is not going to show up at your funeral bawling his eyes out. He doesn't even know that you exist. He is going to keep on going on with his life. You know, snorting coke off of a 15 year old hookers ass, injecting steroids, buying ridiculously expensive items, getting probation for some terrible crime that he committed. A crime that us mere mortals would rot in jail for the rest of our lives. Pro sports is a business. They have what are called owners. They are trying to make money.

But I digress. This post isn't about the business side of sports. This is about douchebag fans who think that they matter. Your stupid Favre hating behavior, Packer fans, is making all of us Wisconsinites look like a bunch of deer fucking, hillbilly, retarded asswipes. Your anger is misdirected. How about you be pissed at the offensive line. Rodgers is on his back more than a 5 dollar hooker. He is a good quarterback, but he is going to end up a cripple the way this season is going. Like my wife said, it sucks that the Vikings won, but she still loves Favre. If Barry Sanders would have came out of retirement and the Lions didn't want him back and he went to a division rival, I would not begrudge him any of his success.

So quit hatin' haters. It doesn't do anything for the team you cheer for. It only makes you look like a bitter camo wearing dickhead. We already have the stigma from Gein and Dahmer. We don't need the nation looking at us like a bunch of weirdos.

Hey, long time no see.

I have not written a blog in a hell of a long time. It's something I need to make time for. Just random bullshit that may only make sense to me. It may just be drunken ramblings. Fuck off. Take what you can get.

Drinking. Recently we have shied off of the fancy beers. We were on a huge fancy beer kick. What do you mean by fancy beer, you retarded alcoholic? We were rocking the micro-brews. Especially the ones from Wisconsin. I don't care where you are from, but seriously, Wisconsin has some of the best microbreweries in the country. Right here in Madison, I can get some of the best beers in the country. But money is tight right now, so we have slowed our roll. We just got a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon. I have always loved PBR way before it was the cool retro beer. It is just straight up beer. No Frills. Nice, clean, and crisp. We also enjoy the Miller Light. I am not a proponent of the light beer, but hey, sometimes it's just easier to drink what the wife likes to drink. We also have started making more mixed drinks. But we are making them with the cheapos. You do not need expensive alcohol to make good mixed drinks. I repeat. You do not need expensive alcohol to make good mixed drinks. Make all the arguements you want for expensive liquer and I will still slap you silly. Can you tell the difference? Sure. During the first drink. But after that all that matters is if it tastes good. Captain Morgan. Awesome. Ron Diaz or Admiral Nelson. Just as good. Ron Diaz and coke. That is the Captain Ron. Admiral Nelson and coke. That is the Mike Nelson. Hey, it's me, of course I will have a MSTK3000 themed drink name. Right now I am enjoying the Triple Deke. It's light rum, vodka, gin, orange juice and grenadine. Super awesome. I just faked eight goalies out of their jocks and I'm drunk. Here is an exception I will make though. We recently bought a bottle of Patron and I have to say I am hooked. Straight up in a shot, or in a super tastey Sunrise, Patron rules the tequila school. It is a splurge I am happy with. O.k. Enough with the drinking.

I love to watch the cooking shows. What I don't like are the douchebag snobs. Cocky, sure that's fine. Arrogant, now we have problems. I will beat you retarded and rip your "refined palate" right out of your face. Don't poo poo any ingrediants. Don't say you hate cooking for any kind of client. If I tell you to make me a bologna sandwich, you better make me the best fucking bologna sandwich I have ever had in my life. If you have to cook a meal for a five year old, make that meal the meal that kid compares every other meal they have for the rest of their life to. If I tell you to make me a meal out of canned food, make me think that you pulled it from the earth with your own two hands minutes before you cooked it. Oh, and one last thing. Fuck off with that foam shit. Seriously, if you served me that I would knock you the fuck out and jizz on your face.

That's all for now. Join me next time when I talk about the importance of Golden Tornadoes and the Dirty Sanchez.

That's why no one loves you

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20081108/pl_nm/us_usa_guns_1

You ignorant fucking hillbilly douchebags. Your guns are not going to be taken away. If you stupid fucks remembered that we have the second amendment, you wouldn't look like idiots. You all act like guns are going to be banished from the land every time a democrat gets into office. When you piss and moan about gun control, it means you support school shootings, police officers being shot, and criminals owning guns. Do you get a big hard-on every time innocent people are killed or seriously injured? It seems to me that you do, and that's creepy. You gun enthusiasts should be the ones coming up with gun control proposals. Doesn't that make sense?

Oh, and by the way. No one neeeeeds a semi-automatic. You just want one. And hey, that's cool. I collect stuff so I know what its like. And if you are a hunter and you say you need a semi-automatic weapon to hunt you are full of shit. One shot, one kill. Otherwise you are just ruining meat. You might as well start collecting stamps.

Gun control does need to happen. Maybe it should come from your side. If you still think that we don't need some kind of gun control measures then go to a town where a school shooting has happened. Interview the family and friends of students that were killed. See how their lives are forever changed.

I think everybody should shoot a gun at least once. Even if you are not a hunter, take a hunter's safety course. You will learn a lot of cool stuff.

Guns are not evil. They just have an exponentially larger ability to cause harm and great damage in the hands of the ignorant and evil.

What the???

I know that things have been looking bleak for awhile now. What with the failing economy and all. But here are some crazy things that make me smile.

AC/DC put out an album after eight years. Metallica puts out an album that doesn't suck, in fact it rocks old school. Smashing Pumpkins are back together. So far signs are pointing to the apocalypse. Then after about a billion years Guns and Roses finally are going to release Chinese Democracy. Uh oh, does that mean zombies are about to rise from the grave. No.

We got a shining beacon of light in the form of President elect Barack Obama. When he was announced as the new President you could almost hear the collective sigh of relief from around the world. I have heard some republicans say that they are sad for our country now. Let's think about that. You guys got eight years of George Bush and we had to sit back and watch him slowly destroy the country. McCain would have continued down that path. Republicans will say that that is ridiculous statement. Is it really? When you sit back and look at the numbers it would have actually gotten worse. Ten billion a month in war spending that would have continued. An energy plan that would have shelled out 800+ billion. Where exactly did you republicans think that money was going to come from? Magic? No. It would have come from higher taxes for everyone. It was either ignorance or blind faith. There was no possibility for McCain to deliver on his promises. So now you say you are sad. Why exactly? Are you sad that someone wants to actually try to fix our country? Are you sad because the world already likes us better for finally electing the right person to do the job? Are you only sad because your candidate didn't win and all you wanted was for him to win so you could say "we won"? If you want to be bitter, fine, just shut your mouth crawl in a hole and leave the rest of us alone. It is now time for us to fucking rock.

I Like It Just Because

I'm a fan of wrestling. I've been a fan since I was a kid, watching old AWA on Saturday afternoons. Yes, I know it's scripted, but that doesn't make it any less fun. People think you are low class or haven't any taste. I will admit that some of the unwashed backward thinking demographic will perpetuate those views. That's ok. I think the same thing about people who are fans of Sex in the City, or Survivor, or Boston Legal. Seriously those shows fucking suck. SITC is practically unwatchable. Those four characters have no redeeming value. And as for Boston Legal, don't even get me started on that fucking hack Shatner.

Back to wrestling. Some of the story lines are so ridiculous that they are brilliant. I don't agree to them having pay-per-views every month, that takes away from the weekly shows. I did like it better when Vince McMahon didn't own everything. Back when you had WCW and the WWF competing for viewers it was a win win for the people. There were not any throw away story lines from either company. They couldn't afford to. They had to put out their best show every week. Now if there is a weak story line, who cares, because where the hell else are you going to go.

Here is the main reason for this blog. Last week my wife and I went to a wrestling event. Note to self, if it isn't actually on a Monday or Friday, it is not worth it. This was a Monday night raw event held on a Saturday. When we walked in and saw that there was no Titantron or announcers table or t.v. cameras we knew we were screwed. We were so glad that we got the cheap seats. So we were just going to enjoy our kitschy fun. Or so we thought. I end up sitting next to a large woman in her forties, wearing red sweatpants and t shirt. Next to her is her eighty year old mother. Wow, ten seconds in and I'm already weirded out. She immediately has to start talking to me. She has a program and is pointing out various wrestlers and telling me who she likes and dislikes and why. Then she has to start throwing out little tidbits of there lives, most of which is wrong. Then the festivities began and she is way into it. And then it dawns on me that oh shit she thinks this is real. Shit she was even way into the no-name warm-up matches. She's yelling shit like, "Rip his head off, or, "Break is arm." When people would start up chants she would join right in. She would tell her favorites to look out, or to the villain don't you dare. She would do hand signs as well. At first it was amusing, then annoying. She had the same mentality about wrestling as that of a ten year old. When she came back from the bathroom with her mother she actually asked me who was winning. I was dumbfounded by this question because of the context of our setting. Pretty soon my wife tells me that this situation calls for beer. So soon we are both enjoying a $6.00 16oz bottle of Miller Light. Worth every penny. So intermission comes and as we are walking around we decide to leave. No harm. No foul. We got our monies worth. I'm just wondering what that woman next to me thought when we didn't come back. She was probably horrified. As I'm writing this I'm thinking that that woman had the time of her life that night. We both like wrestling for totally different reasons. She might take it a little too far, but who cares. She's not hurting anyone. In my mind at the time I was making fun of her but now that I think about it, why? Sure, it may be a little sad, but she had a great time and we left early feeling disappointed. If you could go back to believing in Santa Claus would you? Wouldn't it make Christmas as fun as it used to be?

Seriously. That was taken?

Like most people, I have blogs in a couple of different places. Somebody recommends a spot for you to start posting for various reasons, like this place is so much more user friendly. Or don't post there because that site is lame and I will never read your blog so come over here. The problem I have is creating a new account. Not the actual doing of it. It's the coming up with user names. First I start with my actual name. First initial and last name. Not available. Various combinations using first, middle, and last name. Not available. Huh? I have a pretty uncommon name. How is this possible? I don't like just adding a number just for the sake of getting it done. Instead of being a loser, now you are loser222. Now you are just an unimaginable bastard to the power of the number you typed after it. So now I'm trying to get clever. Now I'm typing in cool characters from various worlds of fiction. All taken. Now I'm getting pissed. Let's just start flinging out random word combinations. 'Traintrackbuttslap', 'Meatlogbookmark', 'Alfalfawondernuts'. Taken, taken, taken. Are you fucking kidding me? How are these Frankensteinish words of doom taken? And of all things, they are being taken as user names. Hey, if you want to be known as 'Traintrackbuttslap' in the privacy of your own home, cool, good for you. But the world doesn't need to be privy to that information. So finally, after hours of soul searching, and pouring over your dictionary slash thesaurus, your user name is finally accepted. Hallelujah! So rejoice Dorkface@fartbreath.com, now you just need to come up with a password. Good luck.