Why You Gotta Hate?

What is going on with all of this hate towards women? Whether it be exclusion, or passing laws telling how and what a woman can do with her own body, shit will reach a tipping point that fucks it up for the rest of us males that love females.

Here are some simple little things to consider when you feel like oppressing women.

Quit using the bible as an excuse to spray forth your hateful diarrhea across the land. You want to follow the bible? Fine and dandy with me. You want to go to church? That is also fine. You want to use your religious beliefs to oppress or control any other member of society? Now I've got beef with you. Quit with the cop out, "Well, in the bible it says." Yeah, so what? The bible says a lot of crazy shit. Do you follow all of it? I didn't think so. Why do you give one single fuck about what somebody else does in the privacy of their own home? If it has zero effect on your life, why should you care? You shouldn't. Go do some good in the world. Quit wasting time and energy on what someone does with their body.  It's not for you to decide. Like the big buzzword, 'abortion'. As a male, I do not get a say in what some random woman that I do not even know, does with her body. That's her decision. I don't have to live with that decision, she does. I don't know her situation.  And this whole thing about passing laws to make a woman carry a pregnancy to term after being raped....are you fucking insane? That is probably the stupidest thing you can think of. So you are telling me that you are going to force somebody to have a child that would be a constant reminder of the worst day of her life? Yeah, that makes sense you uncompassionate fucks. What if I learned how to successfully graft a living puppy to the side of your head? So one day I beat the shit out of you into a state of unconsciousness, and perform this miracle. But you have to live with this because the law says so. You must raise and care for your new side-head puppy. Oh, and it's not a chihuahua, it's a rottweiler. Have fun, dipshit. Does that sound extreme to you? That's what these laws you freaks come up with that impose your will on the female body sound like to the rest of the rational world. Quit bypassing common sense people. And like Bill Hicks said, "You're not a person until you are in my phonebook".

Did everyone see this? http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/highschool-prep-rally/lady-sorrows-ariz-baseball-team-forfeits-state-title-041333504.html Not only is your excuse bullshit, but cowardly as well. You want to teach your boys inequality within the confines of your school, go ahead. But once you step outside the boundaries of your institution, you have to deal with society. Good job fellas. The people that made this decision robbed both teams the chance to play for a state championship. The culmination of their sporting lives up to this point in their lives is now tarnished. What lesson was taught here? That your team wasn't good enough to compete? Were you afraid that if you lost that you would have to explain to the team that women are equals, shattering your illusion that women should be barefoot and pregnant in your kitchen? The people that made this decision were a bunch of chickenshits. Have fun explaining to society how you taught inequality, thereby creating a bunch of sexual assualtists because you couldn't teach them how to interact with females.

If you have a sister/mother/wife/daughter/girlfriend, how do you morally support the shit that has been   happening lately? I want you to seriously answer that outside the myopic confines of your beliefs and so-called morals. Since everyone has different beliefs and a different moral code, these must be excluded when proposing new rules and regulations. And if you can't do that, well, I guess you are just a turd of a human being.  Also keep in mind that women outnumber men, women outlive men, and vibrators are fairly inexpensive. So if you keep fucking this up we will all end up in cages in a Planet of the Apes like society.

And while you're busy hating women, it's so fucking nice to see you still hating gays, you sanctimonious fucks.  Seriously, you're making gay marriage an issue? Take the bible out of the equation, and gay marriage has absolutely zero relevance in your life. If you are not of the religious persuasion, it still has zero relevance in your life.  And quit this bullshit about ruining the sanctity of marriage. You know what ruins the sanctity of marriage, fucking divorce you morons. Quit making up insane rules that fuck with someone else's chance for happiness. Seriously, what gives you the right to do such a thing. When are you going get it through you thick caveman skulls that homosexuality is not a choice? Quit pretending it's a disease. Gay is gay because it just is. Plain and simple. As a straight, married male, you know what I'm going to do when gay marriage is finally legal as it should be? I'm going to start a gay marriage wedding planning service. Above and beyond the normal wedding services, I will also provide an anti-picketing brigade who will make your life a living hell if should even dare try to ruin the celebration. You dumb fucking picketers need to get a life. Every ounce of energy you exert in forcing your evil bile upon others could be spent doing, oh, I don't know......something productive for society.

So in short, take your inane bumper sticker politics, your horseshit rules and laws that only oppress, and stick them up your ass. You want to segregate these people who don't share your beliefs? Well, fuck you. You are shitty humans and offer nothing to the betterment of society. We were here first. You can gather up 'your kind' and fuck off to asshole island. And if not, we use your tactics and pick and choose what we will from the bible. Eye for an eye, assholes, eye for an eye.

You Must Work at Candyland

I've seen a new phrase thrown around this year that leaves me scratching my head. I don't know if it is because everyone on the internet works at the perfect utopian place of business. Or you have only had one supervisor and that person had angel wings and an S on their chest, but every time I hear or see the phrase, 'Like a Boss', I instantly think, "Oh, you mean like an asshole."

Sure, I've had some decent bosses in the past, but they've never done anything that makes me think, "That dude shits glitter." So when I see the phrase 'Like a Boss' attached to an individual's sports accomplishment, do you mean:

They took credit for something they didn't do?

They came and went as they pleased, didn't actually work 40 hours, but still managed to get paid for some mysterious overtime?

They made up some bullshit work to do so they could avoid actual work?

They got yelled at by their boss and instead of bucking up and taking responsibility, they take out their frustrations on their staff?

They constantly pass the buck?

Instead of actually learning all of their job duties, they sneakily get others to do their work for them?

That's what I think of when people say, "Like a Boss". I think that the player must have done something shitty or failed miserably. "Hey, did you see the Sharks game last night? Thornton dives like a boss." I feel that that statement made a much more appropriate use of the phrase. Favre pic texted his cock like a boss. When a player holds out for more money, they are totally like a boss. When they say they won't play for a certain city, they say it like a boss. Lebron played all of the 4th quarters like a boss.

Like a Boss will never mean something good for me. It's also kind of generic. There are different levels of boss. Are we talking middle management like a boss, or is this supposed to be CEO or owner level like a boss? I think we should just drop this whole Like a Boss catch phrase and move on to the next flash in the pan bumper sticker phrase.

By the way, did you guys see Tim Thomas' performance in the Stanley Cup Finals? That dude totally shits glitter.

This Space For Rent

Is society still going to keep arguing over this topic? I, myself, just did it right there. What are you talking about you ask? What? You didn't see that? These huge fucking double spaces between my sentences. Holy shit I think the world might end.

First things first. I was pointed in the direction of an article written by someone named Manjoo. I'm sorry, but I have a hard time taking advice from a dude who's name sounds like Manjuice. So Cocksauce wants to berate two spacers for daring to sully the print and interweb arena with our sinfully egregious use of two spaces. He even goes into the mind-blowingly awesome history of typography. Are you fucking serious Mr. Dickdrizzle? I don't give a shit if you found out that ancient Egyptians used single spacing between their hieroglyphs. You might just find this if you dig hard enough; moonwalking stork, period, SPACE, SPACE, crocodile playing poker. He goes on to show that the spacing rule has changed throughout history. So guess what Penisanaise, maybe we are seeing another shift in the spacing way of life? Since it has never been concrete, who's to say that this isn't what is happening. And just because Joe Blow's Book of Stylish Punctuation says so, that doesn't make it fucking so.

If somebody shot you once in the head you would have one space. If somebody shot you twice in the head you would have two spaces. You would still be fucking dead Weinercondiments. (I'm sorry, I ran out.)

Can't we as a society agree that this is a personal preference issue? Many of us were taught to type this way. Some people find it aesthetically pleasing. Oh, and another thing Manjoo, the amount of space you complained about wasting with double spaces is the same amount of space you wasted with your stupid fucking article. But you also wasted our time. Your next article should be The Benefits of Fucking a Light Socket. Make sure your research is as thorough as it was with typography. This means trying it with the switch in both positions.

If the difference between a single space and a double space is so glaringly offensive to your eyeballs, just poke them out and learn braille. Happy now? If not, I write this last paragraph in the hopes that your head will explode. How am I to achieve this? Easy. This last passage is triple spaced bitches.

Excuses, Excuses

OK. This might not be popular with at least half of the Wings fan base, but I really have to get these Osgood thoughts down. The arguing on Twitter doesn't need to stop. But it does need to be kept in perspective. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, just remember that an opinion is not a fact. Oh, and one other thing before I continue: Nobody is a bigger fan than somebody else. You are not the fanniest fan in fandom. Here is a statement that makes you look like a totally retarded jackass, "I guess I'm just a bigger/better fan than you are." Oh, and just because you have liked a team longer it doesn't give you the right to be the mayor of Doucheville. It's not a seniority contest.

Now on to the whole Osgood thing that seems to be ripping our souls apart.

Last night's game showed us a couple of things. Osgood still does not have his head on and it probably won't happen this season. And 2, the defense plays a totally different game from a hole in front of Osgood. Now before someone jumps up and shouts that I am saying the team plays like shit in front of Osgood on purpose, that's not what I said. I think that the Osgood softies are in the back of everyone's mind and the D is getting caught out of position because they are pinched in a little too much or putting themselves in an odd position trying to keep it in at the blueline.

Here is something else that is missing. Rafalski's breakout passes. I'm sorry but I just don't think that the other D, with the exception of Lidstrom, can break it out as cleanly. They should take the Kindl route. Yes he has made some mistakes, but I be digging his breakouts. Instead of trying to make a bajillion mile breakout pass from the half boards, he's carrying the puck out of his own zone and doesn't think about passing until he's past his own blueline. That's a good way of cutting down your turnovers at the blueline.

All right, let's get down to brass tacks here.

All through the off season up until this very moment there has been a debate raging. It has gotten more heated than East coast rap VS. West coast rap. It has more nerdly stats and obscure factoids than Trekkies VS. Star Warsians. (I don't know what Star Wars people call themselves.)

OSGOOD.

Here is an argument that I just do not agree with. "Your back-up goaltender just needs to be serviceable enough to give the starter a break." That's so wrong it can't get no wronger. The back-up should be this hungry caged animal that wants his shot at number one. He should come in and steal the show. He has to be able to step in and carry games if the starter goes down. I want to say, "Holy shit, who the fuck is this guy." The back-up should be like when you put your hand in a pocket of a coat that you haven't worn in awhile and find a twenty dollar bill. It shouldn't be like putting your hand in and finding that a pen exploded leaving you with a big mess. If you order a steak at a fancy restaurant, you don't settle for a bologna sandwich because the back-up chef is having an off night, or hasn't cooked in awhile.

How about this one. "The offense needs to score more than a couple of goals to give your goalie a chance." Well if the goalie is doing his job technically the offense only needs to score one goal. In reality that is not going to happen. Plus I for one want curly fries and fucking beat downs. But the fact is that they are playing professional teams that have defenses and goaltenders as well. It's in the tight low scoring affairs that the goalie has to shine. If the goalie shits the bed in the first period, the game is totally different. It's easy to say, "Come on guys, you have to score 3 or 4 goals now." It's not that simple though. The opposition now gets to play shut down or prevent defense. Clog up the neutral zone. And now you have to take more chances which leads to more mistakes.

Stats be damned. Anybody can skew the stats to work in their favor. Technically I am a .500 goaltender with a 0.00 goals against average. See how I did that? Forget the fact that I never goaltended a game in my life. All of your past stats don't mean shit if you can't win now. Every positive stat from a long career can be countered by a negative stat from a player on the decline from the last couple of years.

This is not fueled by hatred for Osgood. Personally I want to see him get his 400. But I can't make that happen and neither can any of you. Only Osgood can. Throw away every argument ever committed to the digital annals of the interwebs, for or against, and it boils down to this. Osgood, step the fuck up and take those games son. I don't care if the Mighty Ducks are playing in front of you, (the team at the beginning of movie, not the polished group of ragtag losers we see at the end.) No more excuses. Slam that door shut. But if you don't want to do that then don't waste any more game time and let somebody in who is not content with charting face-offs.

Make Room on your Mantel Jimmah

Last year the Calder went to Steve Mason of the Blue Jackets. His stats were as follows: Wins-33, Losses-20, Goals against average-2.29, Save percentage-.916, and Shutouts-10. Those are very nice stats for a rookie goaltender. With 7 games left to go for the Red Wings, Jimmy Howard's stats are as follows: Wins-32, Losses-15, GAA-2.24, SV%-.926, and Shutouts-2. He should pass Mason's win totals. He will have less losses than Mason. His GAA and SV% should remain better as well. The only statistical category Mason has over Howard is shutouts. Big Whoop-de-doo.

People are saying he should be up for the Vezina, which would be cool, but after Ryan Miller's year with the Sabres and his outstanding Olympic performance he is probably a shoe-in.

The other award that Howard has to be seriously considered for is the Hart. If he is nominated, here is why he would have an above average chance. 1. I don't think the Wings would have had as good of a chance of making the playoffs without him in net. I know they are technically not for sure in yet, but I have faith. Just as much faith that Bertuzzi will perform a no-look-spin-o-rama-pass to no one in particular in each of the last seven games. Let's face it, Jimmy kept them in games when their offense was sputtering. Not only kept them in, but won those games.

I also think that the top offensive players will cancel each other out. If you take Ovechkin out of the line up, they still had performers. Without him they wouldn't have done as well, but they still would have made the playoffs, 'cause hey, it's the Leastern. Same with Sedin, Crosby, and Marleau. Most of these players play with others on their teams that make them look as good as they do statistically. There have been parts of this season that rested on Jimmy's shoulders. The same as Kopitar for LA and Bryzgalov for Phoenix.

You never know which way the NHL will go with these awards. If it were up to Bettmen, Crosby would win them all including the Vezina. But if Jimmah rocks it out these last seven games he can have Osgood as his +1 at the banquet to help him carry his awards home.

Zachy love Wingys

I am a Red Wings fan. I bleed red. That's funny because we all do. Plus it annoys me when fans say things like that. I'm a huge fan of (insert team here) and I bleed (insert team color here). What? Are you a fan or a fucking alien?

This will be a little like a state of the season address. This has been a rough season so far and I am hoping they can make a little push here before the Olympic break. I will get back to the Olympics a little later. I am in the camp of Ozzy is no longer our #1. Here's why. He is still mentally off. Yes he popped the clutch in the playoffs, but those are not the only games you play. There are still these ones called 'regular season games'. Games that the Wings desperately need right now. Goalies are the easiest to pick on since they are the last line of defense. And we can quibble about good goals and bad goals, soft goals and deflections, but the fact of the matter is that you have to play out of your mind sometimes. You need to be Beyond Thunderdome. Make those awesome saves that are a symbolic middle finger to your detractors and the rest of the NHL.

I am not sold on Jonathan Ericsson. I have heard the nickname Big Rig bandied about. Yeah, a big rig being driven by a little old lady down the freeway at 35 mph with her blinker on. I call him Palmolive. For his big soft hands in the wrong situations. Another puck given up at the circle? Oh Jonny, you're soaking in it. And then sometimes he is like Lenny from Of Mice and Men when he accidentally strokes the puck too hard and kills it for an icing. The thing is even though I say these things I do see the unlimited potential. Oh, and one more thing Jonny, FUCKING HIT SOMEBODY! You need to knock the shit out of them, not practice frotteurism.

Ville Leino, don't make me sic the Finnish Mafia on you. The Finn in me wants you to be a superstar, so quit taking your sweet ass time to get there. Especially after making your demands, because right now you should be the Griffins jock washer.

So far this season the thing that makes my heart happiest is Kung Fu Hustle. That is the Draper, Helm, and Eaves line. Draper looks like he's about 5 years younger playing with those boys. The speed of that line creates great opportunities in all aspects of the game.

Abdelkader hasn't done anything special lately, but I think his role has changed and I like what he does on the ice. So Williams, you better do something special since Abs of Steel was sent back down for you. Or I find you and break another bone so the lines can be set again.

I know some of the vets are having off years but I am not worried about that. What I think has really hurt this year is obviously the injuries and the impact that has had with the inconsistency of the lines. As soon as a line clicks, someone gets injured or someone gets healthy and the lines get rearranged. And that has impacted missed assignments in the defensive zone.

I may be a ritard and talking out of my ass but if we can at least make the playoffs and keep that streak alive I am o.k. with that. When life gives you lemons, squeeze those lemons into a glass of vodka and get drunk during the game. It works for me.

My wife and I have met a lot of Wings fans internetally this past year and they have been really cool. You want to know how cool. This cool. herm2hockeytown.com/ Go to that site and do the right thing. (Sadly, only 2 people will go there because I only have 3 readers and one of them is my wife).

This has gotten quite long enough so I will save my rant about pros in the Olympics for another time.

Not Hot or Even a Topic

Recently we had to go to the mall to get an item we couldn't go elsewhere to get. So while we were there, we tooled around a bit, checking out all of the shizzle. Nothing special because remember, we were at the mall. First things first. I have figured out who this new centuries carnies are. Kiosk workers. When malls first started having kiosks, there were only a few sprinkled throughout the mall hallways. Now it is so congested it's like a giant game of human bumper pool. And these kiosk workers are relentless. They get right in your face hawking their wares. When you see me walking through a mall, I am walking with purpose. You are lucky you don't get hip checked into your stand of shitty slice of agate knick-knacks. I don't want your fucking hair extensions. I don't want 70 dollar moccasins. I don't care if they were hand crafted by twenty Inuit virgins. If you leave me alone you have a zero percent chance of having to go to the emergency room to have a reindeer wearing a Packer jersey christmas tree ornament removed from your rectum.

Here is the second thing. Apparently the new teenage girl fashion trend is 80's hooker with a touch of grunge. Giant sheepskin moon boot looking thingys with tucked in skin jeans is not a look, it's an accident. You look like five year olds put your outfits together. Just pick one look and go with it.

Here is the main reason for today's blog. Hot Topic is so lame. Or is it the Edward Cullen store? I couldn't tell since a third of your merchandise is dedicated to Twilight. You are so mall metal. Wait, you're not even that cool anymore. My wife bought an Angel t-shirt and the cashier said, "Well this obviously isn't for you." What the fuck. First my wife looks ten years younger than you. You look like some middle-aged soccer mom who had been rufied, and some brain damaged goth kids tried to dress you. All of the items you sell are unapologetically stolen from my childhood years. The kids who are your major target audience don't even know anything about the stuff you're selling. I've seen every episode three times over of Masters of the Universe. They don't remember the episode where Skeletor called Evil-lynn a boob. Greatest cartoon moment ever. That makes me more deserving of wearing a Beast-Man t-shirt. I'm the one who played endless hours of Mario Bros. We had to because you couldn't save games back then. So I get to wear the t-shirt with the one up mushroom on it. Oh and hey, girl wearing the faerie wings and the roller brush applied make-up, that's not even a good look for a clown. You guys try so hard you end up looking pathetic. Your wildest night out is called Tuesday in the MacRostie household. Hell, a night of us watching a Red Wings game has more passion, alcohol, and swearing than your best night out. You work for a corporation numbnuts. Whoop-de-doo. You are so hip. So zip it Hot Pockets employee. You have nothing worthwhile to add to this transaction. We already feel like dirty whores for stepping foot in your pathetic store, so just ring us up and shut your hole.