You Put the Twit in Twitter

Ahhh, social media. It allows us to connect with people all over the world. Unfortunately, many fail to make actual connections.  I have long lamented the fake persona of oneself on the internet. Rarely do you find the 'what you see is what you get' kind of person.  You run into many Jekyll and Hyde scenarios when you meet an internet acquaintance in real life.  The hyper-realized persona that one adopts online is more often a let down when compared to the actual in-person persona.  Following is just a sample of some of the weirdness I notice on Twitter.

The chronic retweeter.  This is especially bad in the sports world.  You do not need to retweet every tweet from a teams official account. Example: I'm watching the game and the team I cheer for gets a first down. The official account tweets about it. Immediately we are bombarded by countless dorks retweeting that. A) You probably follow many of the same people of that given fan base, so they already got that tweet, or were actually watching said game and had that information first hand. B) You are not part of that team's social media program. You are not their employee.  You are a fucking parrot regurgitating information that is not only useless to the entire population of the planet, but it just fucking happened and we all saw it. And your excuse of, "Well, my friend wanted me to update him because he can't watch the game." Bullshit. That's the best way for your friend to get this info? If your friend can check Facebook and Twitter, then they can find an app or website to get the information in pretty much real time.

The above isn't just for the sportos. This applies to the disaster junkies as well. You do not need to tweet every news clip you find of an ongoing natural disaster.  The AP isn't going through your time line to make sure they are on top of things. I will let you in on a little secret. YOU ARE NOT MY FUCKING NEWS SOURCE. Thank you for letting me know that you are the most disaster aware person in the history of mankind, but what I want to know is what can be done to help.  Find and tweet the links of where people can go to volunteer or donate. That kind of thing really does help. What doesn't help is you trying to show the world how empathetic you are.  Subtract the em from the 12th word in that previous sentence to reveal your true self.

Captain Politics.  This is probably worse on Facebook rather than Twitter mostly because you just 'liked' something that I absolutely loathe, which in turn just lowered my already-at-sea-level opinion of you.  Thanks for clogging my timeline with a billion re-postings of political articles. This does not make you political. This does not make you the most informed judging from some of the dubious source material. This makes you the all-time world champ at copying and pasting links. Good for you. Due to there only being two major political parties, you would think that you are basically only pissing of 50 percent of the people who follow or have friended you. Wrong. 100 percent of the people think that you are an asshole with too much time on your hands.  And I'm not talking about people who are passionate about certain issues.  This is for the people that just don't seem to have a filter and feel the need to poop out as much information as humanly possible.

Trolls.  Everyone knows who they are. Trolls know that they themselves are trolls.  Everyone hates trolls. Even trolls hate other trolls.  Which makes me question, "how the fuck do they even exist?" It's a goddamn paradox.  Trolls only exist on the internet because if more than one troll happened to be in the same vicinity as another in real life, it would most likely tear a hole in the space/time continuum.  Another reason that you can never identify a troll in real life is because they are cowards.  There is one rule I try to apply to myself wherever I may be on the internet, "Never type something that you wouldn't say to someone's face".  I've met people in real life that act all hard-ass on the internet, who face to face, turn out to be exactly what I thought, a gutless turd.  If being shitty to someone on purpose is your only goal in life, then stay off of the internet.  Just take that out on your own family.  And if that's how you get your rocks off, your only source of happiness, then you are a sad, sad, little person.  Remember, bullies usually get the shit kicked out of them at one point or another.  I'm not advocating violence, but I will endorse someone stomping a bullies ass into a mudhole.

These are some other random annoyances.

Hipster douchebags that shit all over what everybody else likes, be it whatever media, music, movies, books, tv or the like. Oddly, these wastes of space never let anybody in on what they like. Hmmm. I wonder why that is?  Could it be that you like just the same amount of stupid shit as the rest of us? Yeah. That's what I thought.

Begging celebrities for a retweet. @whoeverfamous "Can I get a retweet?" Let me get this straight. You are asking someone to retweet 'can I get a retweet'?  You are one profound motherfucker.  You can now go furiously masturbate over the screen capture you took on you smartphone because someone famous hit the retweet button as they rolled their eyes.

Begging for followers. That is probably the saddest thing in the digital age.

The use of the word 'welp'. It is especially creepy coming from a grown man.  Did you mean whelp, as in that's one word to describe you?

Who's got something, something and two thumbs? This guy.  Do the world a favor and insert both thumbs in each end of a razor blade Chinese finger trap.  At least it will stop you from typing on your phone.

"This is some kind of ironic fake quote"-said no one.  That was amusing until it became completely overplayed.

Tweeting every minute detail of your life. Nobody cares. Goody fucking gumdrops, I now know when some random asshole is sleeping, walking, working, eating, shitting, fucking, crying, or whatever. You just ate at McDonald's. Well holy shit, let's call CNN. You just ate the 245 billionth and one hamburger.  We are not waiting here with bated breath to find out about your purchase of toilet bowl cleaner and a box of mac and cheese.

Those inspirational quotes written over a flowery picture. Not just one, but about a jillion in a row. Unacceptable. Unless it is a picture of a kitty dangling from a tree branch by it's front paws with the words 'Hang in there!' written in large bubble letters, because that's all I'm trying to do man.

You spoiler fucks.  You just got done watching your favorite show. So what do you do? You track-star run to the internet to post, "I can't believe they killed so-and-so".  Really?  I can't believe nobody has killed you yet you fucking blabbermouth.  There is absolutely no rational reason for you to do this, especially in the age of the DVR.  What empty hole in your soul do you think you are filling by doing this?  And don't you dare tell me to abstain from using the internet because you felt like screaming "OMG DARTH VADER IS LUKE'S FATHER".  You might as well go around to all of the kindergarten classes in your area and inform them that there is no such thing as Santa you dumbass.  I probably should have begun this paragraph with: WARNING-STAR WARS AND CHRISTMAS SPOILERS.

Follow. Unfollow. Follow. Unfollow. Follow. Unfollow. Geeze, fucking get over yourself.  This goes hand in hand with people threatening to unfollow for whatever slight.  Oh, darn. The crybaby unfollowed me. However will I go on with my life? Easy. Laugh and refresh.

Unnecessary emoticons.  If you don't wink after everything you say in real life, why do it after every tweet? I really don't get the heart one. You know, the less than 3 dealy. I am not going to write it out because Blogger thinks I am trying to reprogram my computer and create some kind of A.I. I can't even talk about it now. It is just another thing to make people think they are clever. About as clever as a third grader writing boobless on his upside down calculator.

Writing haha after everything, and oddly after things that are not funny. I have to drive to the store, haha. You are a lunatic.  Just as before, if you don't really laugh after everything in real life, why after every tweet. It's just plain weird.  If people talked like they tweeted, there is a good chance that 80 percent of the population would be locked away in a institution of some sort.

So in summation, I believe the internet is a horrible, horrible place. No I don't.  I've made friends on the internet that I will talk to until the day I die.  I love the insane people who travel down the youtube rabbit hole to post some absolute gems.  I will read every single one of the old-timey e-cards that people post.  I will look at every new picture that you posted of your trip to the zoo.  I will never judge you as you check into Starbucks for the 119th on Foursquare. I like wishing happy birthday to someone I haven't talked to in 15 years. I will give you a (((hug))) when you are having a shitty day. (That always looks like sound waves coming off of the word hug so I always think of it as a gong hug.) I like being included in a mass invite to an event that you know that I can't attend.  What I'm trying to say is I totally heart each and every on of you. Haha.

Why You Gotta Hate?

What is going on with all of this hate towards women? Whether it be exclusion, or passing laws telling how and what a woman can do with her own body, shit will reach a tipping point that fucks it up for the rest of us males that love females.

Here are some simple little things to consider when you feel like oppressing women.

Quit using the bible as an excuse to spray forth your hateful diarrhea across the land. You want to follow the bible? Fine and dandy with me. You want to go to church? That is also fine. You want to use your religious beliefs to oppress or control any other member of society? Now I've got beef with you. Quit with the cop out, "Well, in the bible it says." Yeah, so what? The bible says a lot of crazy shit. Do you follow all of it? I didn't think so. Why do you give one single fuck about what somebody else does in the privacy of their own home? If it has zero effect on your life, why should you care? You shouldn't. Go do some good in the world. Quit wasting time and energy on what someone does with their body.  It's not for you to decide. Like the big buzzword, 'abortion'. As a male, I do not get a say in what some random woman that I do not even know, does with her body. That's her decision. I don't have to live with that decision, she does. I don't know her situation.  And this whole thing about passing laws to make a woman carry a pregnancy to term after being raped....are you fucking insane? That is probably the stupidest thing you can think of. So you are telling me that you are going to force somebody to have a child that would be a constant reminder of the worst day of her life? Yeah, that makes sense you uncompassionate fucks. What if I learned how to successfully graft a living puppy to the side of your head? So one day I beat the shit out of you into a state of unconsciousness, and perform this miracle. But you have to live with this because the law says so. You must raise and care for your new side-head puppy. Oh, and it's not a chihuahua, it's a rottweiler. Have fun, dipshit. Does that sound extreme to you? That's what these laws you freaks come up with that impose your will on the female body sound like to the rest of the rational world. Quit bypassing common sense people. And like Bill Hicks said, "You're not a person until you are in my phonebook".

Did everyone see this? http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/highschool-prep-rally/lady-sorrows-ariz-baseball-team-forfeits-state-title-041333504.html Not only is your excuse bullshit, but cowardly as well. You want to teach your boys inequality within the confines of your school, go ahead. But once you step outside the boundaries of your institution, you have to deal with society. Good job fellas. The people that made this decision robbed both teams the chance to play for a state championship. The culmination of their sporting lives up to this point in their lives is now tarnished. What lesson was taught here? That your team wasn't good enough to compete? Were you afraid that if you lost that you would have to explain to the team that women are equals, shattering your illusion that women should be barefoot and pregnant in your kitchen? The people that made this decision were a bunch of chickenshits. Have fun explaining to society how you taught inequality, thereby creating a bunch of sexual assualtists because you couldn't teach them how to interact with females.

If you have a sister/mother/wife/daughter/girlfriend, how do you morally support the shit that has been   happening lately? I want you to seriously answer that outside the myopic confines of your beliefs and so-called morals. Since everyone has different beliefs and a different moral code, these must be excluded when proposing new rules and regulations. And if you can't do that, well, I guess you are just a turd of a human being.  Also keep in mind that women outnumber men, women outlive men, and vibrators are fairly inexpensive. So if you keep fucking this up we will all end up in cages in a Planet of the Apes like society.

And while you're busy hating women, it's so fucking nice to see you still hating gays, you sanctimonious fucks.  Seriously, you're making gay marriage an issue? Take the bible out of the equation, and gay marriage has absolutely zero relevance in your life. If you are not of the religious persuasion, it still has zero relevance in your life.  And quit this bullshit about ruining the sanctity of marriage. You know what ruins the sanctity of marriage, fucking divorce you morons. Quit making up insane rules that fuck with someone else's chance for happiness. Seriously, what gives you the right to do such a thing. When are you going get it through you thick caveman skulls that homosexuality is not a choice? Quit pretending it's a disease. Gay is gay because it just is. Plain and simple. As a straight, married male, you know what I'm going to do when gay marriage is finally legal as it should be? I'm going to start a gay marriage wedding planning service. Above and beyond the normal wedding services, I will also provide an anti-picketing brigade who will make your life a living hell if should even dare try to ruin the celebration. You dumb fucking picketers need to get a life. Every ounce of energy you exert in forcing your evil bile upon others could be spent doing, oh, I don't know......something productive for society.

So in short, take your inane bumper sticker politics, your horseshit rules and laws that only oppress, and stick them up your ass. You want to segregate these people who don't share your beliefs? Well, fuck you. You are shitty humans and offer nothing to the betterment of society. We were here first. You can gather up 'your kind' and fuck off to asshole island. And if not, we use your tactics and pick and choose what we will from the bible. Eye for an eye, assholes, eye for an eye.