Thursday, June 16, 2011

You Must Work at Candyland

I've seen a new phrase thrown around this year that leaves me scratching my head. I don't know if it is because everyone on the internet works at the perfect utopian place of business. Or you have only had one supervisor and that person had angel wings and an S on their chest, but every time I hear or see the phrase, 'Like a Boss', I instantly think, "Oh, you mean like an asshole."

Sure, I've had some decent bosses in the past, but they've never done anything that makes me think, "That dude shits glitter." So when I see the phrase 'Like a Boss' attached to an individual's sports accomplishment, do you mean:

They took credit for something they didn't do?

They came and went as they pleased, didn't actually work 40 hours, but still managed to get paid for some mysterious overtime?

They made up some bullshit work to do so they could avoid actual work?

They got yelled at by their boss and instead of bucking up and taking responsibility, they take out their frustrations on their staff?

They constantly pass the buck?

Instead of actually learning all of their job duties, they sneakily get others to do their work for them?

That's what I think of when people say, "Like a Boss". I think that the player must have done something shitty or failed miserably. "Hey, did you see the Sharks game last night? Thornton dives like a boss." I feel that that statement made a much more appropriate use of the phrase. Favre pic texted his cock like a boss. When a player holds out for more money, they are totally like a boss. When they say they won't play for a certain city, they say it like a boss. Lebron played all of the 4th quarters like a boss.

Like a Boss will never mean something good for me. It's also kind of generic. There are different levels of boss. Are we talking middle management like a boss, or is this supposed to be CEO or owner level like a boss? I think we should just drop this whole Like a Boss catch phrase and move on to the next flash in the pan bumper sticker phrase.

By the way, did you guys see Tim Thomas' performance in the Stanley Cup Finals? That dude totally shits glitter.

Friday, January 14, 2011

This Space For Rent

Is society still going to keep arguing over this topic? I, myself, just did it right there. What are you talking about you ask? What? You didn't see that? These huge fucking double spaces between my sentences. Holy shit I think the world might end.

First things first. I was pointed in the direction of an article written by someone named Manjoo. I'm sorry, but I have a hard time taking advice from a dude who's name sounds like Manjuice. So Cocksauce wants to berate two spacers for daring to sully the print and interweb arena with our sinfully egregious use of two spaces. He even goes into the mind-blowingly awesome history of typography. Are you fucking serious Mr. Dickdrizzle? I don't give a shit if you found out that ancient Egyptians used single spacing between their hieroglyphs. You might just find this if you dig hard enough; moonwalking stork, period, SPACE, SPACE, crocodile playing poker. He goes on to show that the spacing rule has changed throughout history. So guess what Penisanaise, maybe we are seeing another shift in the spacing way of life? Since it has never been concrete, who's to say that this isn't what is happening. And just because Joe Blow's Book of Stylish Punctuation says so, that doesn't make it fucking so.

If somebody shot you once in the head you would have one space. If somebody shot you twice in the head you would have two spaces. You would still be fucking dead Weinercondiments. (I'm sorry, I ran out.)

Can't we as a society agree that this is a personal preference issue? Many of us were taught to type this way. Some people find it aesthetically pleasing. Oh, and another thing Manjoo, the amount of space you complained about wasting with double spaces is the same amount of space you wasted with your stupid fucking article. But you also wasted our time. Your next article should be The Benefits of Fucking a Light Socket. Make sure your research is as thorough as it was with typography. This means trying it with the switch in both positions.

If the difference between a single space and a double space is so glaringly offensive to your eyeballs, just poke them out and learn braille. Happy now? If not, I write this last paragraph in the hopes that your head will explode. How am I to achieve this? Easy. This last passage is triple spaced bitches.