Not Hot or Even a Topic

Recently we had to go to the mall to get an item we couldn't go elsewhere to get. So while we were there, we tooled around a bit, checking out all of the shizzle. Nothing special because remember, we were at the mall. First things first. I have figured out who this new centuries carnies are. Kiosk workers. When malls first started having kiosks, there were only a few sprinkled throughout the mall hallways. Now it is so congested it's like a giant game of human bumper pool. And these kiosk workers are relentless. They get right in your face hawking their wares. When you see me walking through a mall, I am walking with purpose. You are lucky you don't get hip checked into your stand of shitty slice of agate knick-knacks. I don't want your fucking hair extensions. I don't want 70 dollar moccasins. I don't care if they were hand crafted by twenty Inuit virgins. If you leave me alone you have a zero percent chance of having to go to the emergency room to have a reindeer wearing a Packer jersey christmas tree ornament removed from your rectum.

Here is the second thing. Apparently the new teenage girl fashion trend is 80's hooker with a touch of grunge. Giant sheepskin moon boot looking thingys with tucked in skin jeans is not a look, it's an accident. You look like five year olds put your outfits together. Just pick one look and go with it.

Here is the main reason for today's blog. Hot Topic is so lame. Or is it the Edward Cullen store? I couldn't tell since a third of your merchandise is dedicated to Twilight. You are so mall metal. Wait, you're not even that cool anymore. My wife bought an Angel t-shirt and the cashier said, "Well this obviously isn't for you." What the fuck. First my wife looks ten years younger than you. You look like some middle-aged soccer mom who had been rufied, and some brain damaged goth kids tried to dress you. All of the items you sell are unapologetically stolen from my childhood years. The kids who are your major target audience don't even know anything about the stuff you're selling. I've seen every episode three times over of Masters of the Universe. They don't remember the episode where Skeletor called Evil-lynn a boob. Greatest cartoon moment ever. That makes me more deserving of wearing a Beast-Man t-shirt. I'm the one who played endless hours of Mario Bros. We had to because you couldn't save games back then. So I get to wear the t-shirt with the one up mushroom on it. Oh and hey, girl wearing the faerie wings and the roller brush applied make-up, that's not even a good look for a clown. You guys try so hard you end up looking pathetic. Your wildest night out is called Tuesday in the MacRostie household. Hell, a night of us watching a Red Wings game has more passion, alcohol, and swearing than your best night out. You work for a corporation numbnuts. Whoop-de-doo. You are so hip. So zip it Hot Pockets employee. You have nothing worthwhile to add to this transaction. We already feel like dirty whores for stepping foot in your pathetic store, so just ring us up and shut your hole.

Strike a Pose

The other day my wife and I caught bits and pieces of a documentary about punk rock. She was on the computer, and only half paying attention. She is old school punk rock and I am metal. The more I watched the more irritated I got. And this is why. The majority of those interviewed were a bunch of fucking poseurs. The more you go out of your way to explain why you are punk rock makes you less punk rock. When you over conform to fit in with your clique of non-conformists makes you less punk rock. You all look the same. You now belong to the TTH club. What's that you ask? Well, it stands for Try Too Hard. You see these people at concerts of every genre of music.

I would have no problem with these people if they would just be themselves. I want to hang with genuine people. I don't want to have to tear down the facade just to find that you are an insecure asshat who practices the art of douchebaggery.

The documentary showed these bands playing at houses with crowds of twenty or so people. I don't even know if that even constitutes a crowd. Anyway, that's fine for a band that is just starting out. Not for bands that have been together for five years. There is a difference between not giving a fuck about being famous and the whole do-it-yourself punk mythos, and just plain sucking and using those excuses as a badge of honor.

These attitudes, and the whole 'punk is an attitude' is another story, is not exclusive to punk rock. The music I love, metal, is just as bad if not worse. There is no such thing as 'more metal than you'. The bands you listen to are not heavier, or darker, or more evil, than the next guy's favorite bands. Because all of that shit is subjective and based on one's own opinions.

You know who is more metal and punk rock than most of the bands that claim they are? The rapper Tech N9ne. When he says fuck the industry what does he do? He starts his own music label and releases his own shit. He exudes all of the 'punk rock attitude' and all of the fuck you I'm badass of metal without ever claiming to do so. And that brings me to another point.

You cannot claim these titles. They are bestowed upon you. Once you claim these titles you lose your cred. The most punk don't claim punk, they ARE punk. The most metal don't claim metal, they ARE metal. Indie, alternative, gangsta, country, etc. etc.

The same kind of philosophy can be applied to sports fans. You are not a bigger fan of a team than the next guy. There is a fine line between fan and fanaticism. You are not viewed as a super awesome fan of your team, you are considered an obsessed weirdo. You might as well move into a four hundred square foot efficiency and get ten cats to go along with your crazy.

So love your music and remember that the more you go out of your way to look or act the part, you no longer seem like a real person. You are now a stereotype. You are a caricature. And people see right through that.

I Don't Care

The Yankees won the world series. All Yankees fans cheered at that last sentence. The rest of the world doesn't give a fuck. We all really don't care. You are not even a fun team to hate anymore. You treat the rest of the baseball world like they are your farm team. As soon as someone on any other team shows promise, you over pay them so nobody else can have them. Even when you purchase a superstar player and they shit the bed, who cares, you will just go out and buy three more. So goody-fucking-gumdrops, you just bought a world series. Way to cement your super awesome legacy.

As only a casual baseball fan, why should I care about baseball? When the playoffs are chock full of teams with the highest payrolls, why should I even tune in for that? Pretty soon there will not be any underdog stories in baseball. It will just be the same all-star teams competing each year. Whoop-de-doo.

Well some people may argue, "If that was the case they would win it every year." And I would say, "Fuck you numbnuts, you are a ignorant, slackjawed, jizzmop who doesn't even deserve to breathe the same air as me." Then I would slap them with a ham, knocking them down a flight of stairs. Then I would slowly descend the stairs and sit on the step above the landing where they were laying there twitching, bleeding profusely and pissing themselves at the mere sound of my voice. And I would tell them that just because you buy the best team in baseball it won't account for injuries, or steroid suspensions (gee I wonder who I could be talking about there) or other teams' players having awesome years because they are in contract years. Then I would fart in their face and walk away. I can not tame my juvenile side.

So enough already. Get a fucking salary cap. You are are not creating any cool teams to hate. You are just creating Snidley Whiplashian villians we mildly pity or could care less about. There, I just finished my 27th award winning blog.

I vote Favre King of The Universe

I am not a Packers fan. I am not a Vikings fan. Unfortunately I have to admit out loud that I am a Lions fan. My wife is a Green Bay Packer fan. And my 3 year old is a Green Bean Packer fan. (Don't ask me, that's what he calls them). They are not the fans I will be talking about. I was just going to let this go. But after what I keep seeing and hearing I guess I will have to throw my two cents. And since I am throwing cents around willy-nilly, I will throw in some common sense.

All of you Favre hating Packer fans are a bunch of stupid motherfuckers. I am sick and tired of hearing about how much you hate Favre. About how he betrayed you. About him being a traitor. You sound like a 4 year old throwing a tantrum. First things first. Ted Thompson created this situation. I'm not saying Favre is innocent in the whole thing. Should he have stayed retired? Well obviously not from the way he is playing. I hope you never have to make the decision to quit doing something you love. And if you do decide to return, I hope you are welcomed back. Here is the second thing. This is pro sports. Players come and go all of the time in this day and age. Favre gives you 16 great years and this is how you treat him? That behavior is fucking disgusting. Hey, it's fine. You love your team. But don't lose sight that these guys make millions of dollars to play a game. You make a couple of hundered at your shitty job. This next statement goes out to all of you superfans of whatever sport you enjoy. You are not a member of the organization. If you drop dead right now they are not going give one single fuck about you. Your favorite player is not going to show up at your funeral bawling his eyes out. He doesn't even know that you exist. He is going to keep on going on with his life. You know, snorting coke off of a 15 year old hookers ass, injecting steroids, buying ridiculously expensive items, getting probation for some terrible crime that he committed. A crime that us mere mortals would rot in jail for the rest of our lives. Pro sports is a business. They have what are called owners. They are trying to make money.

But I digress. This post isn't about the business side of sports. This is about douchebag fans who think that they matter. Your stupid Favre hating behavior, Packer fans, is making all of us Wisconsinites look like a bunch of deer fucking, hillbilly, retarded asswipes. Your anger is misdirected. How about you be pissed at the offensive line. Rodgers is on his back more than a 5 dollar hooker. He is a good quarterback, but he is going to end up a cripple the way this season is going. Like my wife said, it sucks that the Vikings won, but she still loves Favre. If Barry Sanders would have came out of retirement and the Lions didn't want him back and he went to a division rival, I would not begrudge him any of his success.

So quit hatin' haters. It doesn't do anything for the team you cheer for. It only makes you look like a bitter camo wearing dickhead. We already have the stigma from Gein and Dahmer. We don't need the nation looking at us like a bunch of weirdos.

Hey, long time no see.

I have not written a blog in a hell of a long time. It's something I need to make time for. Just random bullshit that may only make sense to me. It may just be drunken ramblings. Fuck off. Take what you can get.

Drinking. Recently we have shied off of the fancy beers. We were on a huge fancy beer kick. What do you mean by fancy beer, you retarded alcoholic? We were rocking the micro-brews. Especially the ones from Wisconsin. I don't care where you are from, but seriously, Wisconsin has some of the best microbreweries in the country. Right here in Madison, I can get some of the best beers in the country. But money is tight right now, so we have slowed our roll. We just got a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon. I have always loved PBR way before it was the cool retro beer. It is just straight up beer. No Frills. Nice, clean, and crisp. We also enjoy the Miller Light. I am not a proponent of the light beer, but hey, sometimes it's just easier to drink what the wife likes to drink. We also have started making more mixed drinks. But we are making them with the cheapos. You do not need expensive alcohol to make good mixed drinks. I repeat. You do not need expensive alcohol to make good mixed drinks. Make all the arguements you want for expensive liquer and I will still slap you silly. Can you tell the difference? Sure. During the first drink. But after that all that matters is if it tastes good. Captain Morgan. Awesome. Ron Diaz or Admiral Nelson. Just as good. Ron Diaz and coke. That is the Captain Ron. Admiral Nelson and coke. That is the Mike Nelson. Hey, it's me, of course I will have a MSTK3000 themed drink name. Right now I am enjoying the Triple Deke. It's light rum, vodka, gin, orange juice and grenadine. Super awesome. I just faked eight goalies out of their jocks and I'm drunk. Here is an exception I will make though. We recently bought a bottle of Patron and I have to say I am hooked. Straight up in a shot, or in a super tastey Sunrise, Patron rules the tequila school. It is a splurge I am happy with. O.k. Enough with the drinking.

I love to watch the cooking shows. What I don't like are the douchebag snobs. Cocky, sure that's fine. Arrogant, now we have problems. I will beat you retarded and rip your "refined palate" right out of your face. Don't poo poo any ingrediants. Don't say you hate cooking for any kind of client. If I tell you to make me a bologna sandwich, you better make me the best fucking bologna sandwich I have ever had in my life. If you have to cook a meal for a five year old, make that meal the meal that kid compares every other meal they have for the rest of their life to. If I tell you to make me a meal out of canned food, make me think that you pulled it from the earth with your own two hands minutes before you cooked it. Oh, and one last thing. Fuck off with that foam shit. Seriously, if you served me that I would knock you the fuck out and jizz on your face.

That's all for now. Join me next time when I talk about the importance of Golden Tornadoes and the Dirty Sanchez.