Not Hot or Even a Topic

Recently we had to go to the mall to get an item we couldn't go elsewhere to get. So while we were there, we tooled around a bit, checking out all of the shizzle. Nothing special because remember, we were at the mall. First things first. I have figured out who this new centuries carnies are. Kiosk workers. When malls first started having kiosks, there were only a few sprinkled throughout the mall hallways. Now it is so congested it's like a giant game of human bumper pool. And these kiosk workers are relentless. They get right in your face hawking their wares. When you see me walking through a mall, I am walking with purpose. You are lucky you don't get hip checked into your stand of shitty slice of agate knick-knacks. I don't want your fucking hair extensions. I don't want 70 dollar moccasins. I don't care if they were hand crafted by twenty Inuit virgins. If you leave me alone you have a zero percent chance of having to go to the emergency room to have a reindeer wearing a Packer jersey christmas tree ornament removed from your rectum.

Here is the second thing. Apparently the new teenage girl fashion trend is 80's hooker with a touch of grunge. Giant sheepskin moon boot looking thingys with tucked in skin jeans is not a look, it's an accident. You look like five year olds put your outfits together. Just pick one look and go with it.

Here is the main reason for today's blog. Hot Topic is so lame. Or is it the Edward Cullen store? I couldn't tell since a third of your merchandise is dedicated to Twilight. You are so mall metal. Wait, you're not even that cool anymore. My wife bought an Angel t-shirt and the cashier said, "Well this obviously isn't for you." What the fuck. First my wife looks ten years younger than you. You look like some middle-aged soccer mom who had been rufied, and some brain damaged goth kids tried to dress you. All of the items you sell are unapologetically stolen from my childhood years. The kids who are your major target audience don't even know anything about the stuff you're selling. I've seen every episode three times over of Masters of the Universe. They don't remember the episode where Skeletor called Evil-lynn a boob. Greatest cartoon moment ever. That makes me more deserving of wearing a Beast-Man t-shirt. I'm the one who played endless hours of Mario Bros. We had to because you couldn't save games back then. So I get to wear the t-shirt with the one up mushroom on it. Oh and hey, girl wearing the faerie wings and the roller brush applied make-up, that's not even a good look for a clown. You guys try so hard you end up looking pathetic. Your wildest night out is called Tuesday in the MacRostie household. Hell, a night of us watching a Red Wings game has more passion, alcohol, and swearing than your best night out. You work for a corporation numbnuts. Whoop-de-doo. You are so hip. So zip it Hot Pockets employee. You have nothing worthwhile to add to this transaction. We already feel like dirty whores for stepping foot in your pathetic store, so just ring us up and shut your hole.